i am to a place in my life where i am ready to become a mom, to grow our family together with brandon, & to pour love into a tiny little human life. the trouble is, it isn't just up to me. it is not that brandon is opposed to this heavy wish i carry in my heart every day (although he may not be as ready as me). rather, things just aren't panning out at work. i have been waiting & waiting to become benefited (i.e., to get insurance) but each month i am told "just a little longer." so i buy another month of over-priced, high-deductible, catastrophe health insurance in hopes of the legitimate university insurance coming through.
we literally cannot afford to have a baby because i make too much for medicaid to foot the bill but not enough to afford private insurance that includes maternity coverage. the university has decided to preemptively put a spending freeze in place--that's right, we live in a state that operates billions of dollars over the deficit line, but they want to be careful not to make a tiny dent in the surplus. i'm certain this sounds like a "whoa is me" pity party, but a lovely friend of mine reminded me that our blogs are places we can be vulnerable. so i'm putting it out there that i am sad about the way in which my job dictates this decision that my heart feels ready to embrace. sigh.