Tuesday, December 24, 2013


i've always admired people who compete in the pole, pedal, paddle in bend. i remember watching at the finish line at drake park when my kindergarten PE teacher was a competitor.

today we instituted a christmas eve tradition (can you call something a tradition on the first go round?): a sunset ski followed by bowls of grandma's delicious clam chowder. brandon nailed her chowder recipe and it was an incredibly comforting meal after our short ski up at happy jack. 

i am thrilled i could squeeze my feet into my ski boots (compression socks were required) and get my body in motion on the day before my due date. (i did have to wear brandon's snow clothes, as none of mine currently fit.)

as we were returning to the parking lot after our ski, i realized that over the course of my pregnancy i did my own version of the pole, pedal, paddle race. i just stretched it out over many months while carrying a whole extra person. that counts for something right? the pregnancy pole pedal paddle!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

always wanting what you can't have

the biggest want i have this year for christmas is to meet this little one occupying the greater portion of my abdomen. but it looks like that wish is very unlikely to be fulfilled, given the lack of signs of labor.

the other thing i want is to go for a ski.

i have been incredibly lucky this pregnancy, with being able to keep moving freely and the absence of limitations. were it not for the snow storm in early december and the subsequent sub-zero temps (resulting in perma-crusty, slippery roads and sidewalks), i know i could have ridden my bike to work up until my last day. but the roads are still an icy mess and my concerns about wrecking my bike kept me playing it safe, so i haven't been getting my usual exercise.

i keep hearing/reading that walking is one of the best ways to get labor going. can i just say that sounds dreadful right now? i don't walk these days: i waddle. slowly and cautiously. so the idea of walking the multiple miles i would likely need to get labor going sounds like torture.

but a ski, that sounds nice and peaceful. i know it would be difficult and likely awkward, but it would mean i was up among the trees, slushing through the snow, watching my crazy mongrel of a dog bound around joyfully. this sounds far more up my ally than being drug around the park with said dog whining with discontent that there are squirrels in HIS park, while i waddle along in shame.

(i must admit that the idea of going for a ski also calls to me, perhaps, in part, because i hope the gliding motion will jostle baby o. into developing an evacuation plan.)

but my ski plans have been thwarted by my edematous hobbit feet.

i knew pregnancy wouldn't be glamorous and that parts of my body would change, but i did not expect that my feet would look like they belong to a morbidly obese person nor that they would pulse with discomfort. some days, my toes look like they are going to pop. my feet ache with each step i take right now; all this water-weight does not equate to walking on pillows of air, as my friend mia optimistically hoped. and i currently have two pairs of shoes i can tolerate wearing, so that really limits my wardrobe and comfort options. the other downside to these distended feet: they won't fit into my ski boots. sigh. so i sit here on the couch, with my feet up, hoping for relief and wanting to beg santa for three things this year:
  • to go for a ski.
  • to have my ankles back.
  • to hold my healthy, kicking baby girl to my chest.
for the record, i would be content with only getting one of those wishes, but you have to give st. nick some options. hopefully he knows the thing i want the most!

Monday, December 16, 2013

o tannebaum

our tree has come a long way from it's home in the woods last weekend. we even got a few of our favorite ornaments up before baby o's arrival!

brandon and i tried to take a few family photos, which turned out ok on my camera, but are uploading strangely here. never-the-less, we are savoring our last few days as a family of two.

i'm almost 39 weeks and eagerly anticipating the end of being pregnant, but i'm grateful to have a healthy baby and to have made it full-term. i would be lying if i said i didn't hope for her arrival soon, but no signs of that happening in the next few days. 

Sunday, December 8, 2013

ready for a christmas baby (hopefully!)

how far along: 37.5 weeks.

total weight gain/loss: a lot.

maternity clothes: exclusively and those are starting to reach "capacity" as this belly grows out in front of me!

stretch marks: still none, amazingly. i have a feeling when this baby is out they will make their appearance though--i think my skin is just stretched too tight now to show them.

sleep: what is that again? i usually get a good 3 hours at the start, which ends with a trip to the bathroom and then restless tossing and turning the remainder of the night. it feels cruel because i know i "need to sleep before baby comes" (as everyone in the world likes to remind me right now) but it isn't for lack of trying!

best moment this week: going out into the mountains to find a christmas tree with brandon and harvey. it was a gorgeous, sunny day and luckily brandon's snow clothes fit over my giant baby bump so i could still enjoy myself outside without freezing in the single-digit temps!

Saturday, October 19, 2013

t minus 10 weeks

how far along: 30+ weeks
total weight gain/loss: 25 lbs
maternity clothes: currently i am working on some painting projects for our kitchen remodel, so i am spending the day in painting clothes, which means my belly is hanging out the bottom of my shirt. i'm sure i have paint on my belly, but i can't see it so i'll pretend it isn't there!
stretch marks: still none, but i feel my skin on my stomach crying "mercy" so i think it is just a matter of time.
sleep: a few rough nights earlier this week, but the last two nights have been solid and i have a whole different lease on life!
best moment this week: when our friend's daughter, anjali, was able to feel the baby's movements and was so excited to "touch the baby."

food cravings: apple cider!
gender: female.
what i miss: not having a laundry list of things that i need to do every night. between the last stage of our kitchen remodel, my grading (for 4 classes!), and projects for the nursery, i wonder how i will get all this stuff done.
milestones: brandon and i completed "birthing class" this past weekend down in fort collins. it was incredibly helpful for both of us and initiated conversation that otherwise might not have come up. in addition, we squeezed in one last camping trip for the year, which is also likely the last camping trip with just the two of us. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

did time suddenly speed up?

how far along: 29 weeks
total weight gain/loss: 23 lbs
maternity clothes: oh yeah! and when i try to wear my regular t-shirts, they get caught on my bump, so the bottom of my belly hangs out the bottom. i'm trying to bring back the crop-top, apparently.
stretch marks: still none! 
sleep: pregnancy insomnia has been a real pain in the ass because i know i am not going to sleep through the night once she is here and i would really like to be able to do so now! 
best moment this week: feeling the love of my many laramie (and elsewhere) friends at my shower this past weekend!
movement: lots of rolling, big movement lately.
food cravings: chocolate.
gender: female.
what i miss: my normal face. pregnancy "fat face" has set in so in all my photos i look super puffy!
milestones: my mom and i spent saturday evening sorting through all the baby clothes she already has and grouping them into sizes. let me tell you, this little girl already has a lot of clothes (mostly hand-me-downs from anjali) but definitely has more newborn-sized clothes than she will EVER be able to wear! it was strange to go through all of these things and think that a little person will soon be wearing these adorable onesies. 

Friday, September 27, 2013

but, i still love technology

i tried to make this blog private, only for invited readers, but due to browser and workplace firewall issues, that just isn't gonna work! so, we are back to normalcy for the blog, but i'll work on maintaining some anonymity to try to keep our family safe-ish on the internet. mostly i get creeped out by the strange comments i get from people i don't know, but the reality is that most of those comments are from robots, so maybe i can change the comment settings? (if anyone knows how, i would love a comment tutorial!) ah, technology.


we spent last weekend in kentucky, visiting friends who welcomed their first son into the world this past june. meeting oliver was a treat--he is at such a great stage, where he takes in the world with his big, brown eyes and is quite happy in just about anyone's arms (provided they also offer him a bottle!).

we went to a bourbon distillery on our trip, because bourbon and thoroughbreds are apparently the two commodities of central kentucky (and no one in our group can afford a thoroughbred currently). at the gate we learned that tickets for the tour were in short supply. at $7 per person--with two people who couldn't even participate in a tasting--none of us were eager to get in on the tour, so we opted to walk around and look at the grounds. picture a 7-month pregnant me, plus a new momma toting her tiny baby, and two hippy-looking guys wandering the grounds of a fine bourbon estate. we casually traipsed down the lawn towards the creek before i turned around to see a very prim middle-aged woman rushing towards us, walkie-talkie in hand. after politely indicating we were not to be in that area without a tour guide, she repeatedly stated: "i just can't believe you made it this far. i just can't believe it." what? did we saunter past the armed guards or something? 

we honestly didn't know we had done anything wrong, so we apologized and told her we would walk back to our car, which she said was not permitted. no, we had to wait for a bus to pick us up otherwise the very same bus might run us over on our 100 yard walk back to the car. perturbed, alex inquired about using the stairs marked "visitor center" but the oh-so-kind woman told us that the "visitor center was currently off-limits to visitors." oh really? the woman radioed for a bus to remove us, but got no reply, so she insisted we wait with the tour group and ride the bus with them. we felt like convicts getting on the bus, which, of course, traveled at a top speed of 7MPH. i could have waddled up that road quicker than the bus! 

you can imagine we didn't exit through the gift shop as they would have liked. no, instead we rushed to the car, laughing about how unsophisticated we all are. some things never change, even with the advent of parenthood. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

the woes of gen Ys

at a retreat following the conclusion of high school, i remember this older guy i respected telling me i was going to move to seattle and turn into a yuppie. (he also predicted brandon would turn in to a hippie since he was moving to bozeman and that one day we would go on to have yippie children.) while i may live in a highly libertarian, gun-toting, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps state, if i'm honest, i am a bit of a yippie. a friend of mine shared an article about why folks from the gen Y generation aren't happy:
i'd say that about sums it up: my general dissatisfaction in all areas of life seems to originate in my expectations. the first year of marriage didn't look exactly like i thought it should look, therefore something must have been wrong. my score on my licensure exam wasn't as high as i expected it would be, therefore i must not be smart. i wasn't radiant and glowing in my first trimester of pregnancy (rather, i was pukey and green), therefore i wasn't "good" at being pregnant. (who is the standard of pregnancy goodness anyway? ah, the lies we tell ourselves.)

anyhow, the article is long and includes a lot of poor graphics from microsoft paint circa 1990, but it concluded with this advice for those of us caught in the "woe is me" cycle:
1) Stay wildly ambitious. The current world is bubbling with opportunity for an ambitious person to find flowery, fulfilling success. The specific direction may be unclear, but it'll work itself out -- just dive in somewhere.
2) Stop thinking that you're special. The fact is, right now, you're not special. You're another completely inexperienced young person who doesn't have all that much to offer yet. You can become special by working really hard for a long time.
3) Ignore everyone else. Other people's grass seeming greener is no new concept, but in today's image-crafting world, other people's grass looks like a glorious meadow. The truth is that everyone else is just as indecisive, self-doubting, and frustrated as you are, and if you just do your thing, you'll never have any reason to envy others.

big laramie river trip

i have a love/hate relationship with whitewater kayaking. for the first 10 minutes i am on the river and anytime i am not kayaking, i am filled with dread and fear. all i can think about is the terror of missing my roll and swimming in frigid waters, scrambling to collect my gear and get to shore. but once those first 10 minutes on the water pass, i find myself actually having fun, smiling even. poor brandon, he knows that this is my pattern (heck, even i know this is my thought pattern), but all the logic and rationalization in the world has yet to shake me out of this vicious cycle.

i honestly cannot recall the last time i was in my boat, but i think it was about 2 years ago. i know i had fun, but my non-rational brain says, "yeah, you were happy at the end when you weren't dead, but don't fool yourself, you did not have fun in your kayak." and so, i avoid and avoid and avoid. once i even started a kayak journal so i could have evidence of my experiences and of my enjoyment of time in my little blue boat, but it has done little to override this sabotaging voice of doubt.

for our friend heath's birthday we decided to take our kayaks (and their stand-up paddleboards) on some easy whitewater. i was pretty nervous about the experience as i had been on the same river once before, at flood stages, but i tried to hide my fear because i wanted to a) look badass to my friends who had not seen me kayak before and b) not make them afraid, considering they hadn't been on whitewater before. somehow needing to pull it together for other people helps me get over my own stuff better than any other source of motivation. 

you know what, we had fun! it was the first sunny day in weeks, the canyon was glorious, and i remembered how to maneuver my kayak. i only did one run (the others did two, but i was so tired from hauling myself and the babe around the rapids and rocks with relaxin hormones running through me, making all my muscles operate sub-par).
amazing day on the laramie river through jelm canyon.
our laramie family. we honestly would not make it here without them.
so, so grateful for heath and emily!
and this is the point where i got stuck in my boat at the take-out. brandon had to come heave me out because i could not pull myself out of my boat. ah the joys of having completely relaxed ab muscles!

how far along: 25 weeks
total weight gain/loss: not sure, but close to 15 pounds (if not over).
maternity clothes: yes! i have had to wear maternity pants for a while now, but recently discovered that most of my non-maternity shirts no longer cover my belly and the panel of my maternity pants, which means i have about 4 shirts to rotate through. creativity is in order each morning!
stretch marks: still none, but i recently learned that for some people they aren't visible until after delivery and your stomach starts to try to resume normalcy, so i am staying on top of the cocoa butter/coconut oil. 
sleep: i am incredibly resentful of the fact that i cannot go through the night without getting up to use the bathroom. yes, i know i am going to be getting up a lot in the night once this baby is out in the world, but i have never been one to get up in the night to pee before and it is not a change i am embracing. i now take 1/2 tab of unisom at bedtime and a 1/2 tab at 3AM when i get up to pee, which seems to be working for me, because i have had a heck of a time falling back asleep otherwise.
best moment this week: going paddling with brandon, heath, and emily!
movement: more and more! brandon felt her the other day and said, "whoa, it feels like you have a fish in there!" (the thought of which creeped me out).
food cravings: tuna melts, olives, and fruits (not all together though).
gender: female.
what i miss: ingesting whatever i want without a second thought. for instance, i feel a cold coming on and want to take extra vit C and echinacea, but i have to go to our providers' website, search for each of these supplements in their guide, and make sure they are "safe" for me to take while pregnant.
milestones: according to fetus development websites, the baby can now tell which way is up and which way is down. hopefully the kayaking i did this past weekend didn't throw her off too much. she was wiggling a ton at the put in and then settled down until i sat in the sun at the takeout. whenever my belly gets direct sun, she moves so much--i think she is a little sun worshiper like her grandma and her momma!

brandon could not have been happier to have a day in his boat with his family and best friends. this guy is generally pretty satisfied with life, but at the top of his wish list is more paddle time with me. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

changes here & there

i have had a difficult adjustment back to work from my "summer break" schedule. even though i worked a lot this summer and was very busy, my teaching load of 4 courses this fall has me feeling incredibly bogged down. i have to take it a week--or really, a day--at a time in order to keep from losing my mind. add to the situation that i have a new boss, who while great, still requires some adjustments. the semester has had a bit of a rocky start from my perspective, but i think each semester begins this way, i just tend to forget the initial challenges.

after passing my licensure exam in july, i now only have 5.5 hours of supervision left until i can submit my paperwork to become a fully licensed social worker. while i am eager to complete this process, i will miss my once-a-week visits with my supervisor, who has been so incredibly kind and supportive. 

the midwives changed our due date once again, this time to christmas day. to make a long story a bit shorter, the lovely midwife/cattle rancher told us that any changes to a due date should be based on first trimester measurements because there is too much variability in second trimester ultrasound measurements. she was agitated that it was changed inaccurately and it felt nice to have someone else acting as my advocate in a medical setting, considering that is often my role at the hospital. i really hope we get the chance to deliver with this particular midwife, because she is so comfortable to be around. i like them all, but i feel especially at ease with her.

how far along: 24 weeks
total weight gain/loss: not sure.
maternity clothes: almost entirely. 
stretch marks: still none. (yet.)
sleep: pretty rough after 2AM, so by 2PM all i wanna do is nap, but on tuesdays and thursdays i have to teach introduction to social work. i'm sure my teaching evals are going to be less-than-stellar this term. poor students.
best moment this week: getting out on my mountain bike today with brandon and being able to climb up some steep ascents that i can't always complete when i'm not pregnant.
movement: i feel her wiggling around just about every time i sit still and brandon finally got to feel her move, which was awesome.
food cravings: i had to do my glucose test on friday afternoon, so i work up friday craving every fruit and sweet thing i saw. in general i crave fruit, but having it be off limits that day made it especially appealing. 
gender: female.
what i miss: being able to get up off the floor without having to flip over onto my hands and knees or have someone give me a hand.
milestones: i realized today that our baby has passed through the "viability threshold" so, heaven forbid, she comes early she now has a pretty good chance (50-70%) of surviving life outside of my body. mind blowing!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

week 23

it won't be long before i can't see my feet any longer.
how far along: 23 weeks
total weight gain/loss: not sure.
maternity clothes: yup, but i discovered H&M maternity line so that helped me expand my wardrobe a bit. (please save your lectures about the moral failures of buying cheap clothing because, yes, i know, i shouldn't be supporting a company like this, but i did...).
stretch marks: still none. (yet.)
sleep: getting slightly more difficult lately, due in part to my ability to stay asleep now and harvey's recent fondness for barking loudly in the middle of the GD night. ugh!
best moment this week: feeling her moving like crazy while i was in yoga class. i just broke out in a great big smile because i felt so connected to her!
movement: more and more, especially when i am still. perhaps this also impacts my lack of sleep.
food cravings: tillamook cheddar and icelandic-style yogurt (which is awesomely thick and has tons of protein!)
gender: female.
what i miss: being able to order a glass of wine at a restaurant. while i am drinking an occasional alcoholic beverage in the comfort of my home now that i am out of the first trimester, i don't feel right drinking in public or putting the server in an awkward position.
milestones: a few weeks back we got a call from the midwives that after the anatomy ultrasound they determined the baby was younger than we thought, so they moved the due date to dec 28. i got a little glum about the change, but i rationalized that i would rather have to adjust to a new due date at this point in the pregnancy than when i am DONE at the end. (i also secretly think they are wrong and that she will come closer to the original due date of dec 19. wishful thinking perhaps, but oh well.)

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

baby o updates

how far along: 21 weeks
total weight gain/loss: 8 pounds.
maternity clothes: a random combination of whatever fits my ever-expanding body (namely, my chest).
stretch marks: still none. (yet.)
sleep: inconsistent, but not horrible. and still entirely dependent on a that magic half tab of unisom. i might have to buy stock in this stuff. which reminds me, i think i might be out so an emergency trip to the store is now a must!
best moment this week: learning that our little baby o is a girl. somehow that makes this whole pregnancy thing feel less like i am harboring a parasite and more like i am growing a human being.
movement: she was moving so much during our ultrasound that we have to go back in a few weeks to allow the ultrasound tech to get all the required measurements. she clearly likes to bicycle kick her legs, which is fitting since she is joining this family.
food cravings: yumm! sauce and fresh tomatoes.
gender: so clearly a girl. we are getting more and more excited about this, as we were pretty surprised to learn we weren't having a boy.
what i miss: having a full day go by where i don't collapse on the couch in an afternoon haze.
milestones: realizing that the odds of our kiddo becoming a sponsored professional downhill mountain biker are actually much higher given that we are having a daughter. priorities, right? :)

Monday, August 5, 2013

and baby o is...

brandon and i were surprised today to learn that baby o is a girl, as we were both pretty certain it was a boy growing in there. so i guess a few of those "old wives tales" i shared last week might be on to something...

we are very excited, but have a lot of work to do in the name department and in terms of comprehending how one raises a daughter in a world that isn't always encouraging of women being themselves. for now, it is fun to say "she" and "her" instead of "it," as that moniker was not making me feel like we were expecting a baby.

Friday, August 2, 2013

there is no winning in this game

although we are far from parents [well, not that far; baby o is half-way cooked as of this week.], it seems to me that this whole parenting olympics competition is not for the faint of heart. who knew you could feel judgement about the decisions you make about parenting before you are even a parent?!?

the reality is that we are going to screw up and have to hang our head and admit that our "parenting plan" was naive. we will be wrong. a lot. hopefully we will be right a few times along the way too.

every time we tell people that we are pregnant we hear some version of "you two are going to be such great parents." there are some people that tell us this sincerely, but we have been hearing it so often that we have come to realize this is just what people say to people expecting a baby. [and now we wonder if every day might be opposite day?]

anyhow, it seems you can't win for trying, because someone somewhere [especially that wee bundle of joy] will condemn you for trying your darndest. i came across this list, and although it is a bit pessimistic, it is a humorous reminder for me that we are not even close to being in the running for the parenting olympics gold, silver, OR bronze. and i am ok with that.


If you’re...
Then obviously...
Exclusively breastfeeding
Exclusively formula-feeding
Not sleep-training
Introducing solids at four months
Still feeding your one year-old purees
Making your own baby food
Not making your own baby food
Using disposable diapers
Using cloth diapers
Going back to work and hiring a nanny
Staying home with your kid
Engaging your child in educational play every waking moment
Letting your child watch Mythbusters while you blog and drink half a bottle of wine

i came across this some time ago, before we were even ready to talk about having a baby. it still rings true: 
someecards.com - I plan to give you love, nurturing, and just enough dysfunction to make you funny.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

gender neutral

first of all: i passed my licensed clinical social worker exam this week. it was a huge hurdle in this 2 year process. although getting my LCSW is important, it doesn't have major implications for my current  jobs. never-the-less, having this done will make me more employable down the road and will allow us to move to another state without me having to start the process all over again.

- - -

baby o seems to be doing well, as far as i can tell. he/she hasn't been moving a whole lot, but as soon as i got in the car after finishing my exam on tuesday i felt a ton of movement. i think i had a lot of stress hormones coursing through me in the weeks prior to the test, so i am sure that kept a damper on his or her activity.

we find out the baby's gender on monday. i am excited to see that little peanut bouncing around on the screen again, this time without the fear we had last time (at 13 weeks we had to have an unplanned ultrasound because the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler). hopefully baby o won't be too modest, because i would really like to know what direction we need to go in terms of a name.

although i don't put too much stock in the "old wives' tales" of gender prediction, they are kind of fun to consider. here is the breakdown for us:

  • chinese gender chart: girl
  • bump height (neither high nor low): either 
  • heart rate: girl
  • sour or sweet cravings: either
  • mayan even/odd rule: boy
  • acne (no changes): either
  • ring swing test: girl
  • morning sickness: girl
from that list, the deck seems pretty stacked for girl, but i feel like this bebe is a boy. i guess we will have to wait and see what vida, the ultrasound tech, can reveal on monday!

Monday, July 15, 2013

studying, studying, studying. oh, and baby o too!

shouldn't i be done with studying considering i've been out of school for two years? one would think. but this road to become a licensed clinical social worker involves some fortitude (and time and money and brains). i sit for my licensure exam at the end of the month, which will be the final hurdle in my journey to getting those "LCSW" initials behind my name and becoming a legitimate social worker. 

i just spent the last 2 hours taking a practice exam intended to simulate the real deal. it was brutal and i felt completely incompetent the entire time i was taking the test, all 170 questions. in the end, i passed the practice test by a pretty big buffer. hopefully i can maintain a similar score on my actual exam and put this stage of life behind me and those letters behind my name.


in other news, baby o is doing well. we heard his/her heartbeat this past week and it is right on target. my nausea has almost entirely subsided, with brief bouts here and there, but nothing horrible like i had in the first trimester. my friend brittany (and others, i'm sure) have documented their pregnancies well with the questions below, so i decided to do the same, mostly for the sake of our families and so i stand a chance of remembering the details of this little one's hatching process.

how far along: 17 weeks
total weight gain/loss: 3 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight, 9 pounds from my first-trimester-sick-all-the-time weight. 
maternity clothes: mostly maternity bottoms and regular skirts, with non-maternity shirts.
stretch marks: none. (yet.)
sleep: dependent on my half-tab of unisom. brandon was trying to get my to wean myself off of it, suggesting i was dependent, but the nurse midwife said unisom was harmless to take throughout the pregnancy, so i shot brandon the "see!" look and continued popping those little blue pills of sleep salvation.
best moment this week: laying in the grass in our backyard and feeling a few little baby movements for the first time.
movement: i think that's what i'm feeling in there. it is strange to think that for the rest of the pregnancy i will feel this baby moving.
food cravings: (gf) bagels and cream cheese and just about every fruit under the sun.
gender: we don't yet know, but are scheduled to find out august 5. most guesses from friends and family have been pro-boy. 
what i miss: feeling comfortable in my clothes without having to perpetually pull, tug, and rearrange.
milestones: i finally feel good about a contender in the girl name arena. we've been settled on the name if this is a bambino since the first few weeks of the pregnancy, but names for a bambina have been trickier.

15 weeks in oregon.
on our 8 year anniversary too.
18 weeks in wyoming.
one thing i noticed coming back from our road trip to lower elevations, is that my belly seemed to stick out a lot more at 3200 feet than it has since we returned to 7200 feet. among the many benefits of living well over a mile above sea level is that the atmospheric pressure here seems to act as free SPANX, which everyone can appreciate.