i have a love/hate relationship with whitewater kayaking. for the first 10 minutes i am on the river and anytime i am not kayaking, i am filled with dread and fear. all i can think about is the terror of missing my roll and swimming in frigid waters, scrambling to collect my gear and get to shore. but once those first 10 minutes on the water pass, i find myself actually having fun, smiling even. poor brandon, he knows that this is my pattern (heck, even i know this is my thought pattern), but all the logic and rationalization in the world has yet to shake me out of this vicious cycle.
i honestly cannot recall the last time i was in my boat, but i think it was about 2 years ago. i know i had fun, but my non-rational brain says, "yeah, you were happy at the end when you weren't dead, but don't fool yourself, you did not have fun in your kayak." and so, i avoid and avoid and avoid. once i even started a kayak journal so i could have evidence of my experiences and of my enjoyment of time in my little blue boat, but it has done little to override this sabotaging voice of doubt.
for our friend heath's birthday we decided to take our kayaks (and their stand-up paddleboards) on some easy whitewater. i was pretty nervous about the experience as i had been on the same river once before, at flood stages, but i tried to hide my fear because i wanted to a) look badass to my friends who had not seen me kayak before and b) not make them afraid, considering they hadn't been on whitewater before. somehow needing to pull it together for other people helps me get over my own stuff better than any other source of motivation.
you know what, we had fun! it was the first sunny day in weeks, the canyon was glorious, and i remembered how to maneuver my kayak. i only did one run (the others did two, but i was so tired from hauling myself and the babe around the rapids and rocks with relaxin hormones running through me, making all my muscles operate sub-par).
|amazing day on the laramie river through jelm canyon.|
|our laramie family. we honestly would not make it here without them. |
so, so grateful for heath and emily!
|and this is the point where i got stuck in my boat at the take-out. brandon had to come heave me out because i could not pull myself out of my boat. ah the joys of having completely relaxed ab muscles!|
how far along: 25 weeks
total weight gain/loss: not sure, but close to 15 pounds (if not over).
maternity clothes: yes! i have had to wear maternity pants for a while now, but recently discovered that most of my non-maternity shirts no longer cover my belly and the panel of my maternity pants, which means i have about 4 shirts to rotate through. creativity is in order each morning!
stretch marks: still none, but i recently learned that for some people they aren't visible until after delivery and your stomach starts to try to resume normalcy, so i am staying on top of the cocoa butter/coconut oil.
sleep: i am incredibly resentful of the fact that i cannot go through the night without getting up to use the bathroom. yes, i know i am going to be getting up a lot in the night once this baby is out in the world, but i have never been one to get up in the night to pee before and it is not a change i am embracing. i now take 1/2 tab of unisom at bedtime and a 1/2 tab at 3AM when i get up to pee, which seems to be working for me, because i have had a heck of a time falling back asleep otherwise.
best moment this week: going paddling with brandon, heath, and emily!
movement: more and more! brandon felt her the other day and said, "whoa, it feels like you have a fish in there!" (the thought of which creeped me out).
food cravings: tuna melts, olives, and fruits (not all together though).
what i miss: ingesting whatever i want without a second thought. for instance, i feel a cold coming on and want to take extra vit C and echinacea, but i have to go to our providers' website, search for each of these supplements in their guide, and make sure they are "safe" for me to take while pregnant.
milestones: according to fetus development websites, the baby can now tell which way is up and which way is down. hopefully the kayaking i did this past weekend didn't throw her off too much. she was wiggling a ton at the put in and then settled down until i sat in the sun at the takeout. whenever my belly gets direct sun, she moves so much--i think she is a little sun worshiper like her grandma and her momma!