the reality is that we are going to screw up and have to hang our head and admit that our "parenting plan" was naive. we will be wrong. a lot. hopefully we will be right a few times along the way too.
every time we tell people that we are pregnant we hear some version of "you two are going to be such great parents." there are some people that tell us this sincerely, but we have been hearing it so often that we have come to realize this is just what people say to people expecting a baby. [and now we wonder if every day might be opposite day?]
anyhow, it seems you can't win for trying, because someone somewhere [especially that wee bundle of joy] will condemn you for trying your darndest. i came across this list, and although it is a bit pessimistic, it is a humorous reminder for me that we are not even close to being in the running for the parenting olympics gold, silver, OR bronze. and i am ok with that.
PROOF THAT YOU ARE F*ING UP YOUR OFFSPRING NO MATTER WHAT
THE BABY WILL NEVER SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL FALL OFF, AND YOU’LL HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.
YOU’RE POISONING YOUR BABY, YOU MONSTER, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT’S IN FORMULA? PRETTY MUCH JUST FECAL MATTER AND SCRAP METAL.
YOU’RE ABANDONING YOUR BABY AND AS A RESULT IT WILL NEVER FORM A PROPER EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
YOU’RE CODDLING YOUR BABY AND AS A RESULT IT WILL DEPEND ON YOU FOR THE REST OF ITS NATURAL LIFE.
IF YOU DON’T ACCIDENTALLY KILL YOUR BABY BY SMUSHING IT IN THE NIGHT IT WILL PROBABLY GROW UP TO BE A SEXUAL DEVIANT.
Introducing solids at four months
YOU MUST WANT YOUR BABY TO CHOKE TO DEATH, DON’T YOU?
Still feeding your one year-old purees
YOU MUST BE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL PUSSY.
Making your own baby food
WHAT, MORTAL FOOD ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BABY, GWYNETH?
Not making your own baby food
CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR CHILD HAS JUST INGESTED ITS OWN WEIGHT IN ARSENIC.
Using disposable diapers
YOU MUST WANT TO SPEED UP GLOBAL WARMING WITH THOSE LITTLE SHITBALLS OF ETERNAL WASTE.
Using cloth diapers
YOU MUST BE THE TYPE OF HIPPIER-THAN-THOU MARTYR WHO ENJOYS BEING UP TO HER ELBOWS IN LITERAL CRAP.
Going back to work and hiring a nanny
YOUR CHILD WILL PROBABLY GROW UP CALLING YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME
Staying home with your kid
YOU’RE NOT CONTRIBUTING ANYTHING TO SOCIETY. LEAN IN, GODAMMIT. LEAN INNNNNNNN!!!!!
Engaging your child in educational play every waking moment
YOU’RE A HOVERING PSYCHO WHO’S SABOTAGING ANY HOPE OF YOUR BABY LEARNING TO BE INDEPENDENT.
Letting your child watch Mythbusters while you blog and drink half a bottle of wine
YOU’RE A NEGLIGENT SLOTH WHO’S SABOTAGING ANY HOPE OF YOUR BABY GETTING INTO A DECENT COLLEGE.
i came across this some time ago, before we were even ready to talk about having a baby. it still rings true: